Five suggestions for supporting children through grief and loss
One of the most common questions clients bring to me as a counselor is how to support a child grieving the death of a parent, grandparent or sibling. Parents are often daunted and overwhelmed by explaining death to a child, especially when they are grieving themselves. Fortunately, there are many best practices and resources for talking to and engaging with children about serious illness and death, and I can discuss all of them with you. Here are my top five suggestions:
1) The most important thing you can do to support a grieving child is to get support for yourself as a grieving parent. A child’s resilience through loss and change is strongly impacted by how their parent or parents cope with the loss, and the relationship the child has with his or her surviving parent. Make sure you have a strong foundation of support and an outlet for your own grief, so that you can be present for your child or children.
2) Children feel more empowered when they have choices. Give children choices about whether to visit their loved one in the hospital or at their bedside. Give kids the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved one, to create art for them, or to spend time in their room. These visits may be brief if the experience is intense for the child, and can be managed by another trusted adult in the family, such as an aunt, uncle, or grandparent.
3) Use real words. As hard as it is for adults to say the word “death” and “died,” it is not helpful for kids to hear euphemisms. They won’t understand what “transitioned” or “expired” means, and if they are told a loved one “went to Heaven” they may wonder when he or she is coming back or why God took their loved one away. Children will fill in blanks with their own imaginations, and they like to know that they have been told the truth, so clear explanations & real words are best.
4) Be prepared for guilt. Many grieving children worry that they did something to cause their loved one’s death. Be prepared to listen to and to reassure your child he or she did nothing to bring about their loved one’s illness or death. You may want to even have this conversation proactively, rather than being surprised by a question your child has or a statement she makes months later.
5) Understand how children grieve. Young children will not usually sit down and talk about their grief the way we would talk to a therapist or a close friend. They are not developmentally ready for intense, deep conversations. Children grieve in spurts. They may act out their grief through play, art, or their behavior. They may ask a question or say something about the loss when you least expect it. Children also grieve as they reach developmental milestones. That is: they may not bring up the loss for a few days or weeks, but they will express their grief later, when their loved one misses a milestone that they “should” be there for, such as a graduation, an important event, or a birthday.
This is just the beginning. If you are concerned about your grieving child, let’s schedule a consultation session.
