Why you will never hear me say the words "get over it."

Have you encountered people who wonder when you will be “over” your loss, or ready to “move on?” It never ceases to shock me how many people receive these messages, whether said directly, or implied in casual conversations. These messages are usually very triggering and invalidating, and leave my clients feeling that no one really gets it.

I’m here to tell you the truth, and to provide you a space to tell the truth about your grief: we do not get over a loss. We can eventually move forward, we can adjust, and we can find our new normal.

I often use the image of an amputation with my clients. Just as an amputee experiences phantom limb pain, so too do grievers experience pain: their loved ones leave such a chasm. But both amputees and grievers can adjust and learn to walk again and to live again.

I believe that grief is a completely normal and healthy response to a significant loss, whether it’s the death of a close family member or friend, a divorce, or any unwelcome life transition. Whatever you are feeling right now: devastated? lost? overwhelmed? is okay. I would expect you to feel exactly that way. However, so many people who have not experienced a significant and painful loss don’t really have a clue, and we live in a culture that makes very little space for grief longer than a three-day weekend. Grievers can be left feeling isolated and bewildered.

As a counselor, my role is to validate your truth, to walk with you on this journey, to help you harness your inner resilience, and to create a self-care plan to help you get through this season of grief. You don’t have to carry the huge backpack-size burden of grief in a void. I wouldn’t be in this business if I didn’t think it was helpful for grievers to have a trusted person outside of their families and friends to talk to about their grief, whether that takes the form of one-on-one counseling, a facilitated support group, or peer-based support, such Grief Share or The Dinner Party. I believe the Dinner Party Manifesto gets it right: “Life after loss is different than life before, grief isn’t linear, and moving forward is not the same as moving on. There is no roadmap and no gameplan. You’re your own best expert. The journey is yours alone, but you are not alone in journeying.”